Are your relationship isn’t measuring up to what you hoped for? It can really mess with your head, right? Are you all about the idea that things will just keep getting better?
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Yeah, sometimes that’s not how it goes. But when reality is different from this ideal, sadness sets in, making people wonder what was so appealing at first.
OKAY, A RELATIONSHIP BURNOUT?
Yes. We often hear "burnout" in professional settings, where people feel tired and uninspired by their daily work tasks.
In a strange way, the idea of "marital burnout" is similar to this feeling when a pair realizes that their relationship isn't what they had hoped for.
The word "relationship burnout" will be used here because it can be used for more than just marriage.
Wilda Harrison did a study on this idea in 2023. She found that it describes a state where many different things add up to "emotionally life lost function."
"This is a sign that a person's coping strategies are being overworked," she says.
"A person with this kind of mental problem might feel tired, have headaches, feel hopeless, or get angry with their partner."
THE 10-ITEM GAUGE OF COUPLE BURNOUT
One study aimed to explore predictors of relationship burnout. Before delving into their findings, you can gauge your own experience of relationship burnout using these 10 items (rated on a scale of 0=never to 7=always) from a study by Ayala Malach Pines and colleagues (2011) from the University of the Negev:
- How often have you felt tired when considering your marriage/intimate relationship overall?
- How often have you felt disappointed with your spouse/intimate partner?
- How often have you felt hopeless?
- How often have you felt trapped?
- How often have you felt helpless?
- How often have you felt depressed?
- How often have you felt weak or sickly?
WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO GET TIRED OF THEIR PARTNER?
If you or your partner exhibit signs of burnout (scores exceeding 5 per item), the subsequent query revolves around the various contributing factors to this predicament.
Zamani et al. propose that those with high levels of alexithymia, which signifies a deficit in expressing emotional words, are susceptible candidates.
Individuals with this trait struggle to connect emotionally with their partners due to their emotional void. Their "deactivating strategies" often lead them to disconnect when emotional responsiveness is required.
Beyond impaired communication, individuals high in alexithymia may also possess an insecure attachment style. This could involve fearing emotional closeness (avoidant) or dreading abandonment (anxious), both of which hinder personal growth within the relationship and obstruct the partner's growth as well.
One related issue: the inability to regulate emotions. Those who struggle with emotional dysregulation describe difficulty controlling their emotions during moments of distress and may struggle with labeling their feelings.
The study encompassed 216 adults who self-identified as experiencing relationship burnout and were recruited through a family psychiatric clinic. The majority (71 percent) were female and over 30 years old.
Analyzing data collected before their entry into emotion-oriented couples therapy, the researchers found that attachment styles indirectly influenced alexithymia through the mediation of emotion dysregulation.
If emotion dysregulation is a significant predictor of the alexithymia underlying burnout, the subsequent question is how couples can enhance their relationship by focusing on emotions. According to the framework of emotion-focused therapy adopted by the Iranian research team, this might indeed be possible.
REKINDLING THE FADING FLAMES OF ROMANCE
The notion of altering an ingrained attachment style from childhood might seem daunting. Similarly, attempting to change a personality trait like alexithymia through intervention might appear far-fetched. Restoring a relationship that has deteriorated can also seem like a formidable task.
However, the research conducted by Kharazmi University and their associated therapy clinic offer optimism. The path to positive transformation involves gaining a deeper understanding of the emotional experiences shared by the couple. This journey enhances emotional resilience.
In essence, while burnout might seem like an inevitable outcome of a long-term relationship, the Iranian study suggests otherwise. As you work to identify and manage your emotions, you pave the way for a fulfilling connection where inner lives are shared and cherished.
THE BOTTOM LINE
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