RELATED: SILENT TREATMENT IN RELATIONSHIPS
Stuck in a cycle of fights and disagreements? Yeah, these conflicts often build up from very small stuff. Unwashed dishes? Chronic lateness? And other times they stem from big issues, even like cheating. When you reach your breaking point and say, "If you don't do this, I'm leaving," it will definitely have an impact on your relationship
So, Let’s Talk about Ultimatums!
An ultimatum is basically a threat: do X or face consequences. It’s different from setting boundaries, which is about defining what you need for the relationship to work.
Boundaries help partners communicate needs without threats, while ultimatums often come from a place of desperation, used when someone feels their needs or boundaries have been ignored.
Ultimatums are usually a last resort when someone feels stuck, like with ongoing issues (substance abuse) or a major event (infidelity). They’re a way to regain control over a situation that feels out of hand.
Examples of Ultimatums in Relationships
Ultimatums can arise in various situations, but they most commonly occur when one partner engages in risky or secretive behavior or when the relationship fails to align with a core value or belief of one of the partners. Examples include disagreements regarding:
- Infidelity
- Lack of affection or sexual intimacy
- Alcohol or substance use
- Desire for children or marriage
- Verbal or physical abuse
- Financial disagreements
- Gambling
Is it Healthy or Not?
Ultimatums can be useful in certain situations, like if your partner’s substance abuse is seriously affecting you. It might be necessary to say that treatment is required to keep the relationship going.
But they can also backfire and create unhealthy dynamics, which is why therapists usually advise against them. Using ultimatums too often can erode trust and lead to manipulation, especially with narcissistic individuals who might use them to control or isolate you.
They often come from a place of desperation and may not be effective in fostering real change or saving the relationship.
Dealing with Ultimatums
If you receive an ultimatum from your partner, it is akin to a "penalty call." It signifies that they feel their standards have been violated, and the hurt behind the ultimatum stems from this perceived betrayal.
The first step is to take a step back and understand the ultimatum's source. Recognize its origin, its underlying motivations, and why it has become a rule. This introspection opens the door to exploring your individual needs within the framework of the relationship's rules.
- Think about if the demand is fair and doable.
- Check if it’s coming from a real concern, like with substance issues.
- Also, consider how following the demand might impact your relationship.
"If you get hit with an ultimatum, take a step back and think about the relationship's history and any bad communication habits that might've led here. If the ultimatum asks you to sacrifice your self-respect, wants, needs, boundaries, or values, seriously consider if this relationship is worth it," says Wilda Harrison, a relationship coach.
Should you decide to preserve the relationship, enhancing validating communication and understanding your partner's boundaries in the future can be beneficial. Working on these aspects can contribute to a healthier dynamic within the relationship.
The Bottom Line
Boundaries are key for a healthy relationship, but don’t use ultimatums all the time. If you get one, pause and think about why it’s happening.
Think about the requests and think about how fair they are.
Take the first step towards your peace of mind. It's just a click away.
