Dating has always been a complex journey, but the challenges have been magnified during the ongoing pandemic. While many of us remain under lockdown, unable to embark on traditional in-person dates, we continue to face familiar issues such as being ghosted (left on read), stashed (kept hidden from their loved ones), and submarined (suddenly cut off without explanation). Now, there's a new dating term gaining traction, albeit with an unfortunate name: 'roaching.'
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WHAT IS ROACHING?
Roaching typically occurs in the early stages of a relationship, often before the 'exclusive' talk has taken place. This conversation establishes the boundaries of your budding connection, indicating that you're not officially a couple but not seeking other romantic partners.
If, during this discussion, you learn that your partner has been simultaneously involved with others without your knowledge, you have been 'roached.'
The term 'roaching' is derived from the unsettling idea that, similar to encountering one cockroach, there are likely numerous others hidden from view.
HOW TO TELL THAT YOUR DATE IS A “ROACH”?
It might be hard to tell if a possible partner is roaching, but there are some red flags:
- If your partner is vague about their personal life, especially when it comes to other love interests, this is likely a red flag.
- When you talk to them about commitment or intimacy, they avoid it, leaving you in the dark.
- Long disappearances followed by weak excuses when found are clear signs.
- Sudden changes to plans or delays for no reason are signs of possible problems.
- You might feel like you're lost because your partner keeps changing how they talk to you about your relationship.
- Your partner is secretly using dating sites. The easiest way how to find out if someone has dating profiles is to do a free checkup.
Roaching causes emotional problems, breaks down trust, and causes mental discomfort. And it's always not the victim's fault; it's the roacher's fault.
These actions are caused by three main reasons:
1. Fear of Intimacy and Commitment
Most of the time, roaching is caused by a fear of closeness and attachment. People don't want to get mentally involved because they don't want to be vulnerable in a committed relationship, as researches show.
"Because of this fear, they roach as a way to protect themselves from upcoming mental problems. In these situations, taking things more slowly in your relationship and working on being more open can lead to better options," says Wilda Harrison.
2. Desire for Diversity and Thrills
Roaching is something that some people do because they want more variety and fun in their romantic lives. They think that being exclusive is boring and limiting, and they want the excitement and novelty that comes with having more than one romantic choice. Instead of roaching, it's better to practice ethical non-monogamy with clear limits and communication. To keep their relationship fresh and interesting, couples can also try new things together.
3. Low Self-Esteem or Insecurity
Attachment fear and low self-esteem can make people seek approval and meaning from different partners in multiple relationships, as studies show. This might help with fears for a short time, but it keeps people from facing their feelings and makes it harder to fix problems at their roots. Boosting your confidence and looking for approval from within are better ways to deal with this behavior.
3 THINGS TO DO IF YOU’RE BEING ROACHED
Everybody knows, roaching can leave you with a really wide range of emotions. But how do you move forward? Here's a guide to help you emerge from this challenging situation:
1. Forgive, Forget, and Progress
Remember, none of apologies or emotional drama is worth staying in a toxic relationship. Continuing in such an environment will only breed insecurity and trust issues, ultimately turning the relationship into a toxic quagmire.
2. Avoid Overthinking
Don't get caught up in trying to figure out the "whys and hows" of the situation. If you think about it too much, it will make you feel worse and make it harder to break up with them.
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3. Prioritize Mental and Emotional Well-being
Exiting a relationship, especially one marked by roaching, can have a significant impact on your mental health. Seek ways to ensure your emotional stability. Your mental and emotional health should be a top priority.
