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end detached dating and connect

A couple on a coffee date staring at their smartphones.
Don't let FOMO keep you from being present.

The ease of internet hookups has created an epidemic: detached dating. Yes, that is a thing. What does it mean? For one thing, it is easier to cheat when you are not invested in the relationship. Disposable relationships are not real connections. To get to know the other person takes interest beyond their physical or economic attributes. Happy relationships take effort, but the payoff is priceless!

ARE YOU PRESENT WITH YOUR PARTNER?

In her 2018 article, Anna Aslanian LMFT points out that humans need to connect. With modern dating practices many people are not “there” when on a date, or even when they are having sex. It is hard to get to know the person sitting across the table when you can’t stop swiping under the table. That app in your lap creates FOMO, what if the next picture is Mr. or Ms. “Right”?

NOTHING VENTURED NOTHING GAINED!

Social media has spiked constant comparison and with it, indecision about risking commitment. It also makes it a lot easier for partners to cheat before a relationship is even established. Feeling and sharing should not be viewed as handicaps to relationship success. Exposing your vulnerability is not a fatal flaw, it’s a character strength. It is also the gateway to genuine connection.

IMPOSTER SYNDROME:

Stop trying to do, say and “be” what you think others want. Learn who you are and know that you are enough! When you allow others to know you the chances of really connecting go way up. Authenticity has value and creates a solid foundation. Differences are what make people more interesting. Be patient and don’t take it personally if someone doesn’t respond to you. Not everyone will and that is normal. When you are genuine it will feel amazing when someone does respond because you will never feel the need to pretend!

THE PERFECTION THREAT

“What if I am settling, but my perfect match is still out there?”

Rules of the Universe:

#1. Perfection does not exist!

#2. If perfection did exist it would be very intimidating at first, and very boring over time.

Human beings are imperfect and although annoying at times it is part of our charm. A happy relationship is the result of two people making a mutual decision to work for it. Nothing is automatic. What people like to refer to as “love at first sight” basically means noticing a quality that sparks admiration and inspires noble sentiment.

Sexual attraction is primarily chemical and underscored by social norms of what is considered “beautiful” at a given time in human history. The biochemical drives are urged on by the fancy plumage. Love on the other hand is a conscious and spiritual connection. It is a choice to walk a path together and collaborate to overcome obstacles. True love is timeless, and it can overcome adversity, including physical infidelity.

EXPRESS WHAT YOU FEEL, SIMPLY AND SINCERELY.

Tell your partner what you think is great about them. They can’t hear your thoughts and they may not interpret gestures the way you intend. Say it out loud in clear simple terms, that will encourage them to develop those qualities even more. It may feel awkward at first, but the results will ease that awkwardness. The same is true if they have done something that hurt you. Don’t let little hurts fester. 99.9% of relationship conflict is the result of incomplete communication, and that is 100% curable when both partners are willing.

Wilda Harrison, a relationship psychologist, holds a slightly different opinion, though: "Blaming detached dating on just fear of missing out and social media comparisons is too simple an explanation for how people act. It's important to recognize that differences between people and psychological factors can affect how relationships work. Being honest and open are both good things, but they might not always lead to good connections. We can't just blame outside factors for detachment; we need to learn more about how people interact with each other."

Be present, express gratitude, share joy… cheating will be the last thing on either of your minds! Read more here about how we catch cheaters:
https://ifindcheaters.com/blog/post/how-we-find-cheaters/

If you are trying to reconcile after infidelity learn more here:
https://ifindcheaters.com/blog/post/relationship-resuscitation-is-reconciliation-possible-after-infidelity/

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