The truth about lying.
We do not only lie to each other, we do it to ourselves too. Cheating hurts but hanging on to a relationship that does not work can be damaging. There can be a lot of pressure to stay together. Family and friends usually mean well, but they are not living the situation – you are. You are the only one who can determine if the relationship will be good for you or not. Social pressure is not the foundation for a healthy relationship.
Liars and Cheaters.
We all want to please others. That is hard wired into our psyche from childhood. Think back to your earliest memories growing up. Did you let your parents or teachers believe things that were not true, because you thought that made them happy? Most of us have been rewarded for being less than truthful. Most of us have used “white lies” to get what we want. Deception is ingrained in human social interaction. To avoid double standards the first step is to observe our own relationship with the truth.
Honesty versus the truth.
Honesty is a matter of intention. Truth is a matter of detail. You can be honest in your intentions without sharing details you know will just cause hurt. The purpose ofdifficult conversations is to get informed, not to get even. A cheater cheats because they have not been honest. If you want to work through it then why they did it is more important than what they did. The same is true if you want to move on. Knowing why they strayed can help you in future relationships.
Detect the tendency to cheat.
Look for clear communication from the very first date. Do not interpret. Do not read between the lines. If you are not sure you have understood something; ask for clarification. If he or she hedges your question, make a mental note but avoid harping on it – that will put them on guard. You can go to the rest room and make a note to work your question into the conversation next time you are together. If a potential partner systematically avoids clarifying statements about their past or their present, you should be wary.
Lies take longer than truth.
That probably sounds weird, but it is true. Research in 2013 showed that the truth may be messy, but it is direct. If something sounds rehearsed and eloquent it is probably a lie. Another cue is TMI. When someone has constructed a lie, they tend to include too much information, more details than anyone giving a truthful account of an experience would naturally recall. If the story is very involved and detailed that may be a smoke screen to draw your attention away from the here and now.
Lying is more difficult than telling the truth.
The thought process involved in lying, knowing that you are doing something considered “wrong”, has weight. Lies are more detailed because of the conscious effort required. It is hard to justify something you know is wrong on some level. We still do it though, every day. In fact, random adults surveyed will readily admit to lying at least once every day!
What does lying have to do with cheating?
When someone does not feel like the truth is enough, they get into the habit of elaboration. This may come as a surprise to some, but it is easier to weave your myth with an illicit partner. The problem is whatever momentary boost that provides – it is very difficult to maintain. FANTASY is the answer! Fantasize with your partner and you will bring a whole new dimension to your relationship.