Poachers in the Mating Jungle

A girl sitting in a chair while two other girls hit on her partner behind her back.
Keep your friends close and your enemies closer...

Mate poaching is a thing!

It is a scientific fact that mate poaching contributes to cheating. Men and women really are different when it comes to attitudes and behaviors of infidelity and its detection. Men are on watch for their partner’s eyes roving. Women are scanning the perimeter for potential rivals. You would think it might be the other way around but in 2015 the journal Evolution and Human Behavior published the research.

What’s your strategy to catch cheating?

The different strategies for holding onto a partner reflect how much we all need love and intimacy. And yet… 22-25%of the adult male and 11-15% of the female married populations openly admit to extramarital sex. The irony? 70% of those who get “poached” aren’t looking to cheat – sex is probably not the motive – what they are seeking is emotional involvement. When you don’t feel that your partner is genuinely interested in and genuinely aware of your needs, you become super vulnerable to “poachers”.

Make them feel wanted, it’s insurance against cheating.

When you leave your partner out to dry, if someone else engages them on multiple levels – they will respond. We all want to feel desirable and wanted, but also loved and protected – men and women alike. When we feel neglected, rejected or taken for granted we all feel the pain, ladies and gentlemen alike. If you want to armor your relationship against possible cheating – pay attention to your mate! If your mate suddenly seems more distant or less connected, they may be getting attention from another source.

How are we hardwired?

On the other side of the coin there are genetic and social influences that can drive cheating. Men are hardwired to compete for partners, women are hardwired to pick and choose – that is the theory at least. What drives males is to leave their imprint, what drives females is to sustain and nurture. What complicates all of this is the masculine and feminine are not necessarily dependent upon the genitalia we are wearing. Gender dysphoria is a state where someone doesn’t feel they fit gender norms. It is becoming more common because stereotypes are still being promoted everywhere. We are all a lot more complex than any stereotype and trying to conform can make people unhappy.

Really see your partner.

Generally, women are more perceptive of even ambiguous signals. Men on the other hand, especially if they are “dawgs” can tend to see signs where there are none. When I met my husband, even though he was a real hunk he had no self-esteem. He had grown up in a “problematic” family with relationship models based on frustration. He was not a “dawg”, he wanted to be a knight. I didn’t realize at the time how lucky I was. Women were noticing and coming on to him constantly, but he was clueless. I even took him and a friend out one night to give them a “How to pick-up women” lesson… Years later I got my comeuppance though.

Beware of routine!

After routine had taken over, job and day to day responsibilities began sucking the life out of me and our relationship. I came home from work one day and my husband nearly leapt out of his seat at the computer. He wasn’t “having sex”, but he had been engaging in hot talk with a woman he had never met. She was no immediate threat, lived on the mainland (we were on an island). She was unhappy so he felt gallant. He was unhappy, and she was describing how much she enjoyed delivering oral sex to men… How could he not be enthralled?

If we stay aware and tuned in to our partner, even when the daily grind kicks in, we have the ability to keep it real.

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