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the double standard of deception

A woman in bed with a man looks at her phone as he sleeps and has a finger to her lips for silence.
Does what we don't know hurt us?

Deception, especially when it involves cheating, is a serious red flag. It is important to discuss and define what these things mean to you and your partner. How do you really know when it is happening? Good question. Everyone loves lying, but no one loves the liar! When somebody lies to us, that is immoral. When we do it though, we always have a good reason, right?

We All Tweak the Truth

It begins in our earliest childhood at home with “Do as I say, not as I do.” Then it evolves to “I didn’t tell her/him/them so I wouldn’t hurt her/his/their feelings.” Later in school athletics with “Technically we aren’t supposed to do this, but if the Referee doesn’t see it, it didn’t happen, right?” Do not even get me started on the workplace… With so much evidence that truth bending is the norm, why should we expect anything different in relationships?

The Poker Face

There is this general misconception: every liar has a “tell”, some sort of behavior that will make it obvious to their partner that they are lying or cheating. They are only lying if you are asking the right questions and not getting answers. If you are asking the wrong questions, then why should their behavior betray anything? They are just being honest. If they really love you, or at least a part of you, that is real as well. Then the question becomes: what do you really want?

Social Circumstantial Liars

When you have had the crappiest of all possible days/weeks/months do you generally share that Intel around the neighborhood or workplace? Hell to the no!!! Many times that is why our behavior may seem “suspicious” to our Boo, just because our reality at that moment sucks. The same holds true for them. If you both believe in your relationship you will both (eventually) reach out and share uncomfortable stuff. If your situation is new though, you will both need to give it time.

Are you a “Reader”?

We all like to think we are so savvy in figuring others out. Reality Check: Voyeurism does not make you clairvoyant! Most of the time “thinking we know” only creates unnecessary angst and conflict. Often when we think our partner is cheating, we may just be projecting our own insecurity. Jumping to conclusions and thinking you “know” can create a lot of unnecessary conflict.

But he/she/they “Seem” different…

OK. So rather than creeping around in the shadows and making yourself feel horrible, ask! The ONLY stupid question is the one that is never asked. Maybe that is what your partner is waiting for to feel more secure in your relationship. Even if not, isn’t it better to learn sooner than later that a relationship is not going where you might have hoped? Maybe that is what YOU are waiting for also to boldly step into a new experience.

Enjoy what you can!

Do not be afraid to change the plan!!!

Everyone wants to be believed! Everyone wants to be wanted. Everyone wants to be sexy. Everyone wants to share the best of themselves. Everyone wants to love. Everyone wants to orgasm, even if they have not really understood what that means yet.

THE BOTTOM LINE

What is deception anyway? Is it how we avoid ourselves? Is it how we make others feel responsible for our insecurities? Is it how we fool ourselves into thinking everything is OK even when we know we are up to our necks? Perhaps we need to reconsider many definitions.

Perhaps it is time that we allow ourselves to be less than perfect, and enjoy that state of being! To be the kind of person you would like to be with is a good place to start.

Want to learn about how our process works?
https://ifindcheaters.com/blog/post/how-we-find-cheaters/

Knowledge is power... to learn more about how you can recognize liars:

https://ifindcheaters.com/blog/post/detecting-liars-101/

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